6.08.2016

Blogging and My Depression

I've always been a very high-energy, upbeat, optimistic person who thrived on being productive, never turning off my brain and getting excited about being punctual and having killer time-management skills. 

However, from January to May of 2015, I experienced my first bout of depression. I blogged through it. In fact, that was one of the only things that I felt gave me purpose. I woke up, did some work, had no idea what I had done and then would do incredibly simple things like make a sandwich which took 10 x longer than it would have normally. 


Off-the-Shoulder-Top: Very Similar
Jeans: Exact!  
Vest: SimilarSimilar
Shoes: Exact!  
Necklace: Exact!Clutch: Similar  Lipstick: Exact!

I didn't even notice it at first. I noticed that I wasn't quite as productive but I felt like as long as I was blogging I was fine. It was my release. No one knew that I was struggling to write anything. In fact, I had some of my best content. 

Then one day I was making a meal and I realized that I had spent an hour making a 20 minute recipe. I had no concept of time. I was constantly exhausted. I had nothing to say to anyone. I wasn't interested in anything. I didn't even think about depression until one day I was Googling my symptoms and it was right there. 

At first I really fought it because I was STILL upbeat, energetic and going through the motions of what my "normal" personality was. But I was exhausted. I wasn't interested in things but I did them anyway. I would have small fits of crying. I gained weight yet I wasn't eating more than usual. I thought I couldn't possibly have been depressed because I didn't fit "the mold." I quickly realized that "the mold" needed to be shattered.

There is no mold for depression I feel like. My depression was my own and I needed to realize that and not look for a way out because just one small symptom that I found while Googling didn't fit me. 

Off-the-Shoulder-Top: Very Similar
Jeans: Exact!  
Vest: SimilarSimilar
Shoes: Exact!  
Necklace: Exact!Clutch: Similar   Lipstick: Exact!

Most of you noticed that this was my last post for a while in 2015. I had just hit a wall. I could not write anything else. I was tired, but more importantly, I was tired of not being honest about where I was in life. I was afraid. I was afraid of getting negative comments (still am) because I didn't even understand depression so I was afraid that people who didn't understand it would just tell me to shape up and get it together. (I was telling myself that everyday it seemed like) 

I stopped blogging, but I missed it. I missed shooting photos. I missed getting dressed and playing with my clothes. I realized that was one of the things that really motivated me to TRY. I missed looking forward to scheduling posts. 


Off-the-Shoulder-Top: Very Similar
Jeans: Exact!  
Vest: SimilarSimilar
Shoes: Exact!  
Necklace: Exact!
Clutch: Similar  
Lipstick: Exact!
However, I couldn't write anything that I felt was interesting to other people because I wasn't interested in anything. I had extreme nervousness about meeting people and having them ask me what I like to do, what I did for a living, general small-talk questions. I was not willing to just put up a photo and say, "Look at what I'm wearing!!!" just to get something up. So I took a break, but I can say that blogging is what helped me with my depression. 

Although I wasn't posting during the summer, I was writing. Writing after seeing prompts in everyday life. I felt like I could really write without any pressure of someone reading my words and maybe being able to see through the facade of my words covering my depression.

Fast forward to a year, I'm in a completely different space. I'm taking care of myself mentally and physically. I'm listening to my gut more and living without regrets about that. In fact, I'm doing so well, that it's harder to make time for blogging, but I've learned that during the best and lowest times of my life, blogging is what gets me through it. 

Although I have a lot of thoughts about where blogging is going (let's just summarize it, it's dying but more on that later) I realize that blogging is really what has gotten me through a lot of things. I can absolutely say that last year blogging is what kept me from spiraling into some really dark places. 

So I want to leave you with this. No one's depression looks the same as someone else's. So if you're reading this and feel like you have to hide it like I did, you don't. You absolutely do not. 
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