I have to tell you something

You guys I have to tell you something. I have crippling anxiety in my life. Specifically about one thing, math. It's not just the "Oh, I suck at math and get nervous" type of anxiety, it is the I get so worried and anxious about math that I genuinely think that 2+2=6. I can't explain this paralyzing fear, I have panic attacks from it. I will plug numbers into equations exactly like teachers do and they come out differently. I've had this issue since I was a teenager but in college it's become a monster. If I make it through 3 homework math problems without crying it is a victory. In fact it's such a victory that Andrew gives me a high fives and gets genuinely excited for me.

 I've had counseling about this issue, I've met with math department leaders so see what they can do. They are all stumped. I've considered changing my major to one that I hate just so I could get out of math. I'm not talking about hard math here either, I'm talking about math I should have known back in 8th grade but it hasn't stuck. It's embarrassing and truly even hard for me to talk about. Even simple math like figuring out what 40% off a price is makes me panic and I will spend 5 minutes in an aisle trying to keep it together and just guess what the price will be. I hide my math homework from my boyfriend (finance and accounting major) so he doesn't see how much I struggle. I genuinely mean it when I say that 2+2=6 at that moment I am so panicked that I think it's true.

 I am a junior in college and still stuck on concepts my nieces and nephews already have memorized. Part of what is making this worse is how badly I have tried to hide this from people. I never want people to know I've struggled this badly and am this ashamed plus who wants to admit they think 2+2=6? I'm saying all this because I have to go through steps to becoming better about this and not being ashamed of my issues with math need to go. I did the same problem 14 times today and never got the right answer. This made me start a chain of self defeating talk and worst cast scenario's played in my mind. This is what every day when any type of math comes up, this is what happens. My brain shuts down, I get sweaty, I shake a little and I try and come up with an answer really quickly, even if it's wrong. 

Today I have taken a large step in acknowledging where I am and can now try and move forward. I'm a pretty happy person but this is a large, dark cloud in my life. It makes me lie awake at night wondering if I am good enough, will I pass this class, etc. I can only pull myself up and take it one day at a time. 

Birchbox for September: I'm so confused!

Benefit: Pore cream/ Hair Tie/Kate Spade perfume/Color fun nail polish

I will admit that I photographed this because they really did have a lot of good outfit ideas. This will for sure be going on my inspiration wall. 

$25 off a purchase of $75 or more. I can't say that I am going to start shopping at Madwell, I can't quite splurge even with that coupon. 

I don't understand....is this basically a designer zip lock bag? Like, is this a real thing? 

I got my box this month and I was kind of confused. Honestly I'm not a humongous fan of Birchbox but it's fun to get and try new things. I was really confused though when I opened it up. Is Tili a bag that basically prints on zip lock bags? I don't mean to sound stupid (I am more than willing to buy a lot of ridiculous things) but this sounded completely stupid! What all was in your box this month? (ETA: I now realize how cute this is and it's mostly for traveling)

What I Wore: Not every outfit is a winner

Dear Ladies (and my boyfriend who reads every single one of my posts),
          There are moments when you think you have a killer outfit in your closet and you know EXACTLY how it is going to look so in the morning you don't bother to look in the mirror and check. You simply know that you are rocking and that is all. This was not one of those moments. I didn't look into the mirror until I got to work, I should have just avoided that all together. 

Shorts:Target/Top: TJ Maxx/Belt:Target/Shoes:Fossil

 I forgot to out on mascara so I looked dead, I was super pale and the bright shorts made it even more obvious, the whole thing was a mess. But I feel an obligation to report to you that although we all have these days, we all just need to acknowledge this happens. 

By the way, my boyfriend every single day makes it a point to read my blog. Now I know that your husband/boyfriend is simply the best but this guy helps me take photos AND reads my blog every day. Mine wins. 

Posing in Sunglasses

Outfit details to come later

A few weeks ago I was contacted by Firmoo eye-wear company to do a review. I went online and picked out my pair of glasses, I have serious issue with sunglasses so I was apprehensive. I have issues with nice glasses, you know how you look at your child and say, "you are the reason we can't have nice things," THAT IS MY LIFE. I swear I cannot find a pair of glasses that I don't break within a week or lose. Ladies (and my boyfriend who is probably the only male reader) these kind of completely rock. Legitimately, these glasses look so expensive and seriously they feel like they cost way more than they really do. I got so many compliments from my classmates about them. Firmoo sent me this free pair and asked for an honest review, you know that I speak my mind, these are worth it. Plus the first pair of glasses you get are free! 

I will post the outfit details later, this outfit was so fun to wear on campus!

What I Wore: When is it basketball season?

At this point you know how I feel about KU football. I never expect to win and am never disappointed. However I keep going because they are semi-fun, I get to spend time with the boyfriend, I get to yell and scream and eat a delicious hot dog. Not the worst way to spend a Saturday afternoon, especially holding and walking with my boyfriend back home. He's the greatest thing ever. But seriously, when is basketball season? I need to start feeling victory!

Shirt: PINK/Dress (worn as skirt): TJ Maxx/Shoes: TJ Maxx

I was SOOOO tired of wearing a KU shirt and then shorts so I went into my closet and wanted a skirt. Well I found a dress. A dress that I have actually never worn as a dress because it fits my top wrong but it works with KU colors so well. I know a lot of ladies struggle with a cute and easy gameday look so try it!

Wednesday Goodwill Finds

You all know that I am a college student and I have a limited amount of money I can spend on clothes. So naturally I love Goodwill, but seriously until this fall my Goodwill has sucked! I feel like however when I say that I start finding items there so I am going to just start saying it always sucks that I can find good things! We'll see how that works out for me. 

One of the reasons why I love Goodwill is that they employ people with special needs. You may or may not know, my younger brother has Downs Syndrome. We are 19 months apart and he is one of my absolutely favorite people ever. It means so much knowing that he can have a job in an understanding environment and people are kind to him. I am always super sensitive to when someone has a special need and try to talk to them because I know how much it means to me when I see this happen to my brother. 

This his him and I a few weeks ago, he wore the KU shirt just for me!

I swear I never saw this in Target stores, it's striking in real life. Also it has a pocket for an iPad! This is going to be used for school definitely!

Lily Pulitzer cardigan (literally brand new)/Charlotte Russe tank top/Gap cardigan (WITH TAGS!)

I really don't care for neon on me, but come on! It's a $4 sweater that is brand new! Even I can manage to put aside how I feel about neon for that! 

So I can't really complain, what I got is incredibly hot right now and literally haven't been worn. Also, to whoever this person is who keeps donating almost brand new Lily Pulitzer sweaters, thank you and you can just directly donate to me from now on.Thanks. Have you guys found anything exciting from your Goodwill? 

What I wore: Fall transitions

Shorts: Target/Shirt: Target/Purse: Aldo/Shoes:Dillards

I didn't love these shorts when I first saw them. Then about 8 weeks later I saw them for $4.98 and suddenly, these are the best shorts ever. Funny how that works. Anyhoo, I decided that the jewel tone of them made these perfect for fall. And then I proceeded to buy them, look into my closet and realize that I didn't have a darn thing I wanted to wear with them. So....I ended up with grey and I'm all exciting like that. Fail. 

I was going to wear a green jewel toned belt with these but I am weird about having too many colors going on in one outfit. I'm not the only one right? So...style these for me! What should i wear next time with them? Also, what do you think about putting black tights on with these for the winter months?

Speaking of fall transitions.... fall always brings the best memories, laughter, sunshine, the sound of leaves falling, picking out pumpkins, taking photos with the boyfriend. I get incredibly sentimental and in an indescribable way I just feel so ALIVE in the fall. I'm burning two fall candles right now, the windows are open and I can hear leaves rustling in the wind. I feel like an old soul writing a book during moments like this, I wouldn't trade it for anything else either. 

Nail Polish Swap!

I participated in a nail polish swap and I ended up with the most amazing swapee (is that even a word?) Jen and she completely spoiled me! I loved the colors she picked out for me and I had so much fun playing with the glitter nail polish!

I apologize, my feet are seriously nasty. It still has battle wounds from where a Target cart injured and cut my foot. Also, I don't know how I can spread my right foot so wide but not my left. I'm special like that. 

Again, sorry for the nasty, but seriously I love this glitter polish over the Essie nude color. Ok I am done posting photos of my toes.

What I Wore: Things on my mind

 

Pants: MAKER/Vest: American Apparel/Top:TJ Maxx/Shoes:Goodwill/Belt:Urban Outfitters

Apparently yesterday it was "flatter Alissa day" beccause three people told me I looked like I lost weight. Clearly I haven't but I'll take it. 

It felt like fall yesterday. HALLELUJAH! Also it rained which is pretty much my perfect day. 

I really need to stop saying HOLLAAA because I'm not black, Jewish or from New York so there is no good reason for me to be saying it. The issue is that really I need to stop watching RHONY. But that isn't going to happen, ever. I live in Kansas and gosh darn it, I may be the only one saying it but I will continue to. 

I say clearly a lot. Clearly. OK, now I'm just being obnoxious. 

Teachers that say, "OH! Just one more thing and then we will get out early..."  and then they run over time...well I mentally am punching them in the face.

Am I the only one who finds that when they are bored sometimes, just sometimes they find themselves shopping? Even if you aren't buying anything, you just wind up at a store? I found myself doing that the other day and it completely scared me. I have GOT to stop just recreational shopping!! Anyone else find it disturbing when this happens? This month I am REALLY going to cut down on this!

What I Wore: Work with what you got

Skirt: Zara/Shoes:Foxtrot/Belt:Forever 21/Shirt: TJ Maxx

 

I was going through my pins the other day (who knew you could actually go back and actually look at what you pin!) (Just kidding, I was being sarcastic) and was determined that for these nasty end of summer days were have going on I would find a inspiration outfit. I have issues with wearing white tops for 1 reason manly. THERE HAS YET TO BE A WHITE SHIRT THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE A TANK UNDERNEATH TO COVER YOUR BRA! As you can tell this is a serious issue for me. It drives me insane when I find a perfectly comfortable and flattering white top but I have to layer them with a cami underneath! Is there anyone out there that knows of a top that doesn't require a cami underneath? 

Anyway, I felt kind of "meh" about this but it got me through another 95 degree day at school and I can't complain about that. Except that I swear the only reason I got interviews for my story in my journalism class is because my skirt is short.That probably explains why I got mostly guys for my story. By the way, to my boyfriend reading this, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING! I didn't talk to any of the guys more than I had to. The end. 

What I Wore: Addicted to leopard

Jeans: Maker/Top:Plato's Closet/Shoes: TJ Maxx/Belt:Target /Bracelet: J Crew Factory

My end of summer solution has been this: Wear fall clothes regardless of how hot it actually is. So, this outfit I wore when it was 97 degrees out. Ladies I can assure you that my theory about wearing fall clothes to usher in cooler weather failed. MASSIVELY. So after learning this lesson I am just going to let nature take its (slow) course and dress appropriately. Sigh. 

In other news, this week I managed to fall up the stairs at my school. Yep. Completely fell up the concrete steps. WINNER! 
I tried a spinach, banana and peanut butter smoothie. It was......nasty crap. I had to hold my nose and close my eyes as I drank it. So that's not happening again. 
In a perfect world I would own a cosmetic company so that I could formulate the PERFECT mascara. Lengthens, fattens, looks lush and lasts all day long. Is that too much to ask?!
Also in my perfect world all my shoes are from Sex and the City and are actually comfortable. Clearly that makes it a imaginary world. 

What I Wore: Don't be Negative pt.2

You may recall that last time I wore this shirt it was basically a case of the no-good, very bad day that wouldn't end. I decided that I needed to get over my fear of this shirt making it a bad day so I wore it this past weekend. The verdict? THE SHIRT IS NOT CURSED! Yes, so glad to know!

Top (camera): Forever21/Shirt: Target/Shorts:J Crew Factory/Necklace:Forever21

In other news in my life, I've decided to start training for another 5K this fall! I had a love/hate relationship with the last one I ran/prayed to God it would end and I've decided I'm a glutton for punishment and might as well start running. I'm 21 and this is the best time of my life to do this kind of thing so I have no excuses. But I will think of some anyway. 

Whenever I wear this shirt I feel obligated to have a constant smile on my face otherwise people will think it's ironic I'm wearing this shirt and I look grumpy. Yes, I realize this makes me 50 shades of crazy. 

I'm.so.over.summer. Seriously. Apparently summer is never going to end and we are doomed to always have 97 degree days. I hate Kansas so much. 

While wearing this shirt I had a tragic accident with a Target shopping cart which caused my foot to be in pain and bleed. That was fun. 

What I Wore: Football Saturday

You guys, I go to KU. Which means we kick booty in basketball and couldn't even kick a ball straight in football. I live right across from the football stadium so this time of year, even as painful as it is to watch us normally get beat, I can't not go! We did win our opener, I did start a mental countdown to when basketball starts.....

Can you believe I am 21 and this is the first shirt I have owned that show some skin when I am walking? 

Shirt and Bra: PINK/Shorts: American Eagle/Flip Flops:TJ Maxx

I can't say I am a gigantic football fan but I absolutely love holding hands with my boyfriend as we walk across the street to watch the games. I know I will be glad I went to the games when I am older, I can't thank the boy enough for taking the time to be with me and be willing to hold my drink as I struggle to put ketchup on my hot dog. That's how you know he's a winner. 

What I Wore: I swear it really did rain

You guys, I'm just going to go ahead and rename this blog, confessions of a polka dot hoarder. Seriously, I am basically out of control with all of these polka dots. I always have loved them but lately everything I have picked up has had some type of polka dot material. Right down to my rain-boots.....

Boots: Target/Shorts: J Crew Factory/Shirt: Fortuity/Belt:Forever21/ Socks:Foxtrot

It rained. It really did. It then stopped and I had my heart set on wearing rain-boots. So...I looked like an idiot praying there would be random puddles out so that people could see I wasn't just a crazy woman wearing rain boots, It turned out that I look just like a crazy woman. Also I wore knee socks with these because the boots bother my legs a little bit. So that adds another dimension of dork. Sigh. One day I will be cool. 

What I Wore: Pretty in pink

Top: Plato's closet/Pants: Ralph Lauren via Goodwill/Shoes: Dillards/Necklace:random
Sometimes I really, really love Goodwill. These pants were $4 and still had the Ralph Lauren tags on them still. Um....HOLLA! (Speaking of HOLLA, I'm about to go crazy if I see the promo for Honey Boo-Book ONE MORE TIME....) 
Anyway, There is something about the combination of pink, polka dots and pearls (fake of course in my case) which just kind of makes you feel like Elle in Legally Blond and completely have the feeling of taking over a room. I was all...I'M HERE!!!!!!! When I arrived into my classes. Sadly no one applauded when I walked into the room and no fans were blowing my curls like a baywatch babe. I really felt like looking this cute on a Monday (when I wore this) deserved a round of applause. 
Sigh. Someday my time will come. Someday.
I.AM.A.MESS.