I don’t normally post on Friday but this is special. I’ve had this post in my drafts for over a month now. I’ve shown to to friends and found out that they are also struggling. This isn’t just for me, it’s for everyone who is struggling with this feeling of doing more.
I feel like I should be applying to every job in Kansas City every night. I should be hustling the blog more and be such a big blogger that I’m getting featured. I should just be doing more than being a college student who blogs, works, takes classes and has anxiety about the next season of her life. I should be having a fabulously decorated apartment curated with 10 gallery walls and be featured on Apartment Therapy for being so innovating and so not Midwest. I feel like there are so many people who are younger than me and have done so much more with their lives. Every time I see a commercial with this amazing young woman who is 19 or 21 years old I feel a slight *thud* inside of myself because I feel like I’m not doing enough. “If that girl is 19 and already is in a commercial, what a waste my life is.”- in essence what I am thinking. I know this can boil down to our basic human need to feel like we matter but to me this is more than that. I know that one should never, ever base how successful their life is compared to someone else’s but all we know that we do a little bit.
The closer I get to graduation the more I realize that I’m about to start on this whole new adventure called real life. Sure, I’ve heard it’s going to suck and cost a lot of money but I’ve also heard and seen that it can be the most amazing thing. I want to make my new adventure of real life rock. I know not every day will be so amazing that Time magazine will want to feature it. However, I just don’t want to live day to day and kind of watch things happen. I’m afraid that somehow in the midst of starting my real life adventure that I’m going to somehow miss an even grader adventure which is right in front of me but I can’t see. I just know that in whatever I am doing right now I’m not satisfied and I feel like I could be doing more.
I know that most people go through this, in fact I believe it could called “20 something angst” but I think it transcends that. I think it’s what can motivate me to go beyond what is expected of me. I think it can be fuel for a passion I have for something. The problem is, I’m in the season of not exactly knowing what that passion is. I write all of this because in a year I want to look back and remember how I feel as I type this and realize how far I’ve come from that moment or realize that I still feel the same and am searching for that passion. So tell me, have you gone through this season? What did you do?