I haven’t written super personally in a while. The truth is this; I’m 24. I’m almost a year out of college. I have no idea what to do with my life. It’s like you are handed a blank piece of paper and you have absolutely no restrictions on what you can put on that paper. You have a blank space and you can write anything in. The thought of that makes you want to fall to the ground and hide in a closet. Almost a year later, I still feel that way. I’ve never known exactly what I want to do, I just knew I wanted to work and be good at it. I’ve known what I am good at and what I’m bad at. I don’t have a dream job right now. I don’t know if it even exists. Perhaps I have to make that job because it doesn’t exist. I’m just being really honest when I say that I am going through this new phase of being afraid of decisions. I’ve always been confident. I’ve never doubted decisions before. But something about this blank piece of paper that I’ve been given has made me doubt everything I have ever done.
What I do know is that I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted trying to keep it together, keep searching for my life meaning and where I should be. Should I be in Kansas City? Should I be in Chicago? Should I be in Wichita? Do I move to Dallas? Do I have the balls to move to where I know absolutely no one and hope for the pieces to come together? These questions are constantly on my mind. Am I working towards something or am I just aimlessly trying to pass the days until I figure out life?
At the time that I am writing this I just finished reading an article on Buzzfeed about the secrets other 24 year olds have. The main one is this, no one has a freaking idea what they are doing and it scares the poop out of them. So then I ask, if we are all so scared, why aren’t we talking about it? If we are all so scared, regardless of age, why don’t people admit that they don’t have it figured out. I’m just being really honest when I say that I am going through this new phase of being afraid of decisions. I’ve always been confident. I’ve never doubted decisions before. But something about this blank piece of paper that I’ve been given has made me doubt everything I have ever done. I doubt the blog posts I put up. I doubt anyone wants to hang out with me. I doubt myself too much to want to meet new people because I don’t know how to explain where I am in life.
The fear of the future is such a real thing. The excitement that you also feel is real. I wake up daily and have a mix of excitement that makes me want to go after every single thing that I think I might be good at. I also then take a deep breath and feel a crippling fear of failure, making a wrong decision and the things I put on that blank piece of paper.
I wish I was at the point where I had a paragraph to nicely tie all of these things together and show how all of these feelings led to some paramount moment in my life. I don’t have that yet. I don’t have that lovely ending with a bow. I’m working towards that but right now I have to leave this post kind of like my life is…unfinished and raw. I know someday it won’t be like that but right now, this is my life at 24.