The Most Painful Lessons of 2018

Instead of the highlights of 2018, I’m reflecting on the stories that didn’t make it to the blog because they were just are little *too* real at the time or some other reason. As much as I’m very open, there’s always a few things that I feel like holding close and some of them I let go and put on the blog, others, they are what we will never speak of.

But I think that it’s important I share my failures or low points with you just as much as my highs. So much of what we share online is the fluff and I get tired of that. Give me real, raw, embarrassing stories that make me feel like I’m talking on the phone to one of my best friends. So today, let’s be BFFs and get real.

A Creative Falling Out

This one is tough because I genuinely have some sort of guilt about it. Guilt because I think I could have handled it better with communication. However, I also know that I don’t really fully think I was in the wrong. I had contacted someone about some copy as I was re-doing the blog. My timeframe didn’t line-up with what I needed, but I knew I would need the services. So I went ahead and did the website and was going to update with the copy they were going to give me.

We had loosely discussed some ideas and I did research and found things I liked. I found a plug-in that did what I needed and updated. Again, with the intent to update with the copy that I was going to be paying for.

A month went by and I got a bill and a sternly worded email about theft and what I did being illegal. While I agree I could have said hey I need to go ahead and move on the blog but I’ll be updating with your copy, discussing ideas and implementing my OWN idea that I did fully research was not illegal. That would mean every conversation that two creatives have, one could be liable for working on their own ideas that are on the internet. I also agreed to remove photos that we had taken just for fun on the website which were taken much earlier and I didn’t realize had conditions.

A few days later, I paid the bill because I did have a consultation. I do value people’s time and I understand it has value. It just still feels icky. They unfollowed me on all channels. I still root for them. They are very talented and I wish them the best. In a good way, not just good luck, I hope we both make it.

You Need a Truthful Moment with Your Best Friend

This post. I remember exactly what I was eating at Sienna here in Wichita when I cried at the table. Salty tears seasoned my braised rabbit ravioli. My best friend Kara and I had a full-on heart to heart that pretty much had never happened. I apologized for so much that I had said without even thinking and had hurt her. I learned more about who she was. We’ve been friends for 17 and never really had a check-in.

In short, I had to stop pretending nothing had changed and acknowledge where we are. And apologize. A lot. I can’t say enough about just letting go of your ego and realizing that maybe you’re not the perfect one. Take a moment to think about the situations you’ve put your friends in. It’s a bitter pill.

But, if your foundation is strong, your shift will not only be okay, but you’ll be stronger. Kara and I talk just as much, but about more things now. Things had become just straight transactional. Hey how are you? Good. Cool.

Sure we still ask how we are, but we have really real conversations now. Not every day do we have to go 10-layers deep, but if needed, we do. And we make it a point to show each other how much we mean to each other. I put just as much work into my friendships now as I do my romantic relationship.

At the End of the Day You Might Feel Alone, Make Sure You Like Yourself

I found myself alone at work. Not literally, but sort of literally. I realized that there was a group of my peers and I had nothing in common with them. Sure were were the same age and a lot of similarities, but I just didn’t fit in. Incredibly nice people that I can make all sorts of conversation. I kept putting all this pressure that just because we worked together and we are the same age, we should just work. Even though we all know I’m 40 years old at heart and tend to always have older friends. I just felt like I was trying to make this puzzle that should have gone together perfectly work and the pieces weren’t meant to be.

In that moment where one side of the room was full and my side empty, I asked, “Do I like myself? Does this bother me? What is wrong with me?” I think that all of us have that moment of being surrounded by so many people but having NOTHING in common with them. Which doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. But in those moments, make sure you like yourself enough to know what is for you and what isn’t. You’re going to find yourself alone at times and others overwhelmed, but make sure you like yourself in each of those stages.

Try Harder to Show Your Love

I call this part the good part of the fallout of the BFF check-in. Are you actually trying to show your love in a way that the person needs it? For Kara, she needs physical touch and quality time. For me, tip it in the polar opposite, especially for quality time because I just don’t have any. One of the things I wasn’t recognizing and should have that while Kara’s love language isn’t gifts, I was sending her gifts. She so graciously understood that was me saying I love her, but it wasn’t really her language.

For Ken, he also loves touch, time and acts of service. Once again, polar opposite. While I loved giving him gifts, I realized he wasn’t just being shy she he said he didn’t feel comfortable with me giving him gifts. He truly feels uncomfortable. I kept trying to make gift-giving his love language.

So while I thought I was killing it at showing them love, it wasn’t the love they needed. I was doing what makes me feel loved. Trying harder to show how they need to be shown that I care about them has been a huge lesson that definitely should have happened sooner.

In the End…

Always communicate, even if it means a slightly awkward exchange. In business or personal life. But also grant yourself a little grace while making mistakes. You’re not doing anyone any favors by dwelling and not trying to change what is wrong. I can’t wait to find out what the most painful lessons of 2019 are. With a wedding on the horizon, I’m sure this could become a monthly feature.