Buckle up folks, here’s the story of why I will never cook with artichokes again. Aka my Valentine’s Day dinner fail. It all started out so innocently, I wanted to make Ken a romantic Valentine’s Dinner at home and he was so excited. I was going to make a fulllll meal from a soup to dessert. At that point I was really trying to impress him.
I did my diligent prep-work by going to Whole Foods ahead of time and buying only the best, on-sale ingredients. Nothing but the best, as long as it’s on sale when it comes to my shopping philosophy at Whole Foods. I was buying stuff when it came to me, the greatest culinary feat I could think of. There could only be one thing worthy of this romantic dinner. I was going to make stuffed artichokes and wow.the.heck.out.of.him. I mean, that is some WIFE material when you make stuffed artichokes, a younger version of myself thought. You’ll wow him with a starter, come in looking like a boss with some beautiful artichokes and finish with a deceptively easy yet beautiful looking chocolate molten lava cake. Boom. Romantic dinner nailed.
So I hurried home from work and I started on dinner. I had had four artichokes that I was READY to make. I pulled out the recipe I had printed off and it was a no-steam method.
“If the artichokes aren’t open, you can gently massage them open.” Oh how I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to stop right there. I started to massage them. They didn’t open. I massaged them more. I started to get sweaty palms. Time began to pass quickly but I wasn’t giving up. They weren’t opening up. I kept massaging them. Ken came in and commented that they had been given a longer massage than he had ever been given (he was not wrong). Finally I got one to slightly open up. When it opened, my thumb fell down them and that is when I learned that artichokes have thorns. Like a lot of them. As I was trying to open one of the artichokes for stuffing (it felt like when I have to get into my spanx, shoving stuff into something two sizes too small) my thumb began to bleed.
It had been 45 minutes for one now blood-covered artichokes.
My hands were not only bloody but sore at this point, but I was determined to make the rest work. I aggressively massaged them, scaring the dog and Ken at the same time. I shoved as much of the bread crumbs and cheese as possible to get them into the oven. It had been an hour. An HOUR of massaging. My hands looked like they had been through a war zone.
The worst part of this Valentine’s Day dinner fail? This no-steam recipe did NOT work, the artichoke was absolutely inedible and the breadcrumbs were burned to heck. I tried to eat it but it was like eating raw string. Vegetable string. String. You get the idea. Also artichokes in February are super expensive.
We have never had a romantic dinner like this for Valentine’s Day ever again. I always think about this when February starts as a reminder of a rare culinary fail for me. The lessons learned? Artichokes need to be steamed open and are an incredible amount of work that they are NOT worth. Plan ahead and make sure this isn’t when you learn how to cook something new.
Oh and we’re now engaged so I guess it all works out. But I think I’ll still wait a few married years before I try a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner again.
And definitely not with artichokes.
Linda Quinones
I am screaming!! hahaha!! I love this story so much. Note to self, never attempt to make stuffed artichokes even if I am prepared to give them an hour long massage.
When I did Whole30 last year, I spent the whole night trying to make turkey sweet potato nuggets and ended up messing up the recipe and making them dry and burned. But, at least we tried!!
http://www.livelaughlinda.com
Ken
This made me laugh, but I thought we were never to speak of The Artichoke Incident again.
dawn in sac
Oh dear, not sure where you found that recipe, but there is not way to eat an artichoke without steaming. I live in the land of artichoke and love them, but they are nasty beasts to work with. When you steam them they will fall apart and are perfect for stuffing.
Oh the great stories we have when we experiment with cooking.
Lyddiegal
Oh no, I’m sorry your first try with artichokes was not pleasant! I’ve never ‘massaged’ my artichokes, just chop off the tops and then pull them open, no need for gentle caresses. They are actually not too hard once you get the hang of it, though I’ve never baked mine, and you can’t eat the whole leaf, just the part on the end. And they are always friggin expensive! Once you’ve healed if you ever want to try them again, I’ll send you my recipe.
Chic on the Cheap
Beautygirl24
Oh my gosh lol! I’ve never cooked artichokes because they look so tough! I’m also not a good cook either so I admire your determination Alissa! At least you tried 🙂
Patricia Fuller
ha ha You made me snort my drink! lol I could just see you massaging the artichokes, getting all frustrated! I love artichokes, my husband does not, so we never have them. Not just because he doesn’t like them either. They just take forever to cook. That said, they are worth it because the artichoke meat is awesome! Yum! But….I certainly can’t blame you for wanting to wait for a few years! I think you deserve at least that!! Love you dear!
LORENA
Omg I laughed and then felt terribly awful about it.
I have never used fresh artichokes, just canned for a fabulous to die for dip. In case you want to try another version of this demon 😉 I can give you the recipe.
Allie Mackin
Oh my the name of your post is hilarious. No steam? Hmm. I have to say I do not get the appeal of artichokes. I guess if they are picked in a jar. But fresh? Nope. When I was in Paris my stepsister made them one night and I have to say I was not impressed. Seemed like a lot of work to make (and eat) even eating them is time consuming with little pay off.
Not much flavor to speak of and did not fill me up in the least. I will pass thank you
Allie of
http://www.allienyc.com