When Things Don’t Feel Right

On a professional front, nothing felt right as we entered 2019. There was a lot of uncertainty in our office that no one wanted to talk about and we were all adjusting to a new re-org that our marketing department had gone through. We got a new CMO over the summer so we all knew it was going to happen but there was some collateral damage we had to recover from. My hope was that January 1st would be the new year, new you, new mindset situation we all dream of.

That didn’t happen. In fact, things got worse. I tried hard to make things work and it felt like nothing would. I reached out for mental health help and realized while that’s great, the root of the issue was still what was happening at work. My co-workers and I rallied together in our misery while trying to still be as productive as possible. We all just felt stuck and no light at the end of the tunnel. I just kept having this nagging voice tell me, “You’re going to lose your job.” Nothing felt right for almost four months of this year. I genuinely think I was getting into depression.

I don’t have to state the obvious freaking out that would have been justified with planning a wedding the same year as a layoff. I literally shake thinking about it. I’ve been there before. I just wanted to run away from that voice in my head but it never stopped. The job I had should have been so fulfilling, but I wasn’t happy. I was so excited but every project had become frustrating and anxiety-creating, upping my feelings of something being about to happen. I genuinely felt like I was choking every single day. I just had a sinking feeling as I approached every day at work. For someone who prides herself in her work ethic, is it soul-crushing to feel yourself spiraling and have absolutely no idea how to stop it.

And Then It Happened

The marketing team in Wichita for my company was laid off. Some were given relocation offers which were declined and some weren’t given any options. I would not have been able to move at all, had something else not been happening, I would have lost my job.

Meanwhile…

I had unofficially started a new role in the company, outside of the marketing department. I had been approach about a Manager of Culture (aka events and other things) for a great part of ADT that I absolutely LOVE the leadership under. The HR paperwork wasn’t even done, but my current boss knew and future boss was working on the role and I was slowly starting to do things for it.

The day the layoff happened, I wasn’t affected, but I instantly felt survivor’s guilt. These people are my friends. I’ve worked with them for years and suddenly, the future looked bleak. No one had known I was leaving marketing so I had to admit that I wasn’t affected but I didn’t know about the layoff. It’s incredibly awkward to tell people who had just been laid off that you are okay because you took something. I have amazing co-workers who were glad for me, but that speaks volumes about them. I don’t know if I would have felt the same.

Bittersweet Closing and Opening of Chapters

It all happened so fast. The layoffs were announced, my boss moved and I was finally able to apply for the new position I had been offered. What. The. Heck. That was all in a three day period. Normally I would take weeks to process decisions like this and the long-term impacts, over-think it and then sheepishly announce my decision. Perhaps this was life’s way of telling me just to go with my gut and things will work out. It’s not, not wrong. I haven’t had time to think about all the changes and funny enough, it feels right. Like, really right for me.

Honestly going into my last position I was excited, but my gut wasn’t telling me it was right. The job itself was right, but the circumstances around it weren’t. But you know what? I learned a lot about what I wanted and what I thought was missing from my current role that I can now bring into my new role in the organization.

Don’t Ignore Your Gut

Just don’t ignore your gut. The feelings you are having are legitimate and don’t let people tell you that you’re crazy. People kept telling me that I wasn’t going to lose my job and I was crazy. If it wasn’t for a last-minute, slightly divine intervention, I would have lost my job.

Listen to women and listen to yourself. Listen. Don’t ignore when something feels wrong.

While I couldn’t have changed the layoff circumstances, I did as much as I could for myself outside of work to change how I felt. I started trying to think about what makes me happy outside of work vs working making me happy. I’ve learned a lot about maybe not finding as much fulfillment in work and finding what makes me feel complete as a human. Work is a small part of that. I have many other ways that show my work and fulfill me.

I wish that things would have felt right, but this is life and I can’t always get what I want. Sometimes, that’s absolutely for the best.